Driving in DF - Adventures in Mortality

(Okay, not the classiest graphic to pull off Google to illustrate the traffic reality of DF, but seriously, typical. And I think the thought bubble is just as accurate- "F***, it's a three-day weekend and I want to go get trashed!!" For me, the measure of my progress at learning Spanish wasn't the usual benchmark of dreaming in Spanish, but rather swearing like mad in Spanish in my head...often while driving here in fact.)

My friend, Ana, called me the other day, elated. "Guess what? I got a driver's license!" That she was pursuing a driver's license was news to me "...Yeah, I went with my boyfriend and my sister and we all got one!"
"That's great, Ana! What did you have to do?"
"There was a test, we did really bad. But they still gave it to us. I don't even know how to drive!"
And there you have it, my friends. DF is a seething mass of narrow, one-way streets, hidden stop signs, blind corners and illegally parked cars populated by drivers who don't know how to drive and insane taxi drivers. But no worries, mom!

Let's start with some basic survival tips:

1. Drive a tank. Not possible? Too bad...
2. Drive like a maniac. This may some counterintuitive. In the U.S., we have this informal thing called the "Rules of the Road" that is basically a set of assumptions like if we arrive to a stop sign at the same time, the person on the right will proceed first. It's not that Mexicans don't have a shared set of assumptions, they're just different ones. Really, they're a set of things you can't assume such as: That the other drivers know how to drive. That they will use their turn signals. That they will stop at stop signs and red lights. That they will go the correct direction on one-way streets. Basic stuff like that. So, if you make a very strong stop at a stop sign, you see, the guy behind you was not expecting to do that, so he might quite rightfully rear-end you. Kind of coast through if possible. And when you're at an unmarked intersection, just keep inching the nose of your car forward until you're blocking them and they have to let you pass.
3. Lay on the horn. Even if you can see that they are boxed in and can't do anything to get out of the way. DF is far too quiet and it really helps.
4. Wear a seatbelt. If you have one in your car. Not because of a strong belief in its power to protect you, but because the polis will now pull you over and charge a mordida. Ditto on talking on your cell.
5. Tie a rosary around the rear-view mirror and that should pretty much protect you from any traffic accident. Taxi drivers might want to double up with a shiny Virgen of Guadalupe sticker as well. The Playgirl bunny sticker probably doesn't hurt either.

Postscript: This article from the L.A. Times says it better than I ever could. With the bonus of research, interviews and historical context. Buenisimo.

Post-Postscript: The photo above is from a blog rant about traffic before three-day weekends, which I will offer up as Mexican Spanish 101 for this week as it correctly utilizes in just three paragraphs these key expressions: No mames, pinche, desmadre, putamadre, cabron, pedo, chupar, vete a la verga and chinga su madre (which you, FYI, should NOT use). Let the learning begin. Click here.

History - not just the name of a Michael Jackson album

A couple of months ago, the advertisement above started showing up on billboards all over Mexico City. It first came to my attention however when my co-workers unfolded a poster of the image from the newspaper and started busting up with laughter. "Que piensas, Sierrita?" Chistisisimo - obviously! Not at all surprisingly, not all my paisanos feel the same way, particularly those loveable Minutemen who are always ready with a soundbyte.
What I love is that this is an actual map of the border before the 1848 Mexican-American war. People so rarely get riled up about history anymore that I’ll pretty much take what I can get. So high five to Absolut who knows full well that a few apologies are a low price to pay to win over millions of Mexicans who have taped up the poster in their bedroom and waiting for the census that will make the map seem downright current.

Ayúdenme realizar mis sueños - de hecho, es bien fácil

¡Hola amigos mexicanos! No se preocupen - no tengo planes de salirme de México muy pronto, pero de todas formas, mi meta este año es conocer lo más que puedo de DF y de todo México. Ya tengo una lista de recommendaciones de varios amigos pero faltan muchas cosas - la lista incluye todo, de lugares que debería conocer hasta comidas que tengo que probar hasta cosas que debería hacer...La puse al lado de blog, a la derecha. Les pido que me ayuden hacer una lista tan larga y increible que me va a costar toda la vida hacer y probar todo Y que me digan a donde me van a acompañar. ¡Gracias por adelantado!

And my dear gringo friends, since my Mexican friends will be helping me make the best Mexican hit list of all time - books, movies, music, places, food, etc. - I don´t want all of you to feel left out, so if you are so inclined, you can certainly send me your tip-top recommendations for Americana-ness. Amigos mexicanos - dime si tienen planes ir a los Estados Unidos, actualmente tengo amigos en San Francisco, Berkeley, San Luis Obispo, Mendocino, Chicago, Nueva York, Portland, Seattle...y más allá, todos viajeros, y todos les pueden ayudar si van a los EEUU, como un intercambio.

Thanks for the receipt, but I won´t be returning my use of the sanitary facilities

Most of the ¨public¨toilets in Mexico are pay-toilets for 3 pesos. Your 3 pesos does not buy you a clean, comfortable seat, it does not guarantee the absence of unpleasant smells, it does not guarantee a functioning lock nor necessarily a door - it buys you 4-8 squares of toilet paper. At the majority of these facilities, you also get a receipt.
Which I think must have some legal function or something, like tracking use, but I still think it´s downright funny. The receipt above from my trip to La Marquesa, a park just outside of DF, was one of my favorites since it features a lovely picture of trees and a mountainside. I´ll have to tuck it in my scrapbook.

¡¡¡Grande, Grandísimo, GRANDOTE!!!!

One of my favorite things about Spanish is how you can manipulate the words. Add an -ito and you´ve miraculously shrunk the item in question. Dog = perro, puppy = perrito. A little bit = un poco, A little teeny bit = un poquito. Or you can pump it up using a little -ísimo. I´m full = Estoy llena, I'm stuffed = Estoy llenísima.
Both of these endings were covered decently well in my Spanish classes; however, I feel that two of the best ¨manipulators¨ were given short shrift: -ote/a, -on/ona and -azo. Why make things small and cute when you can make them mega? For example (and please excuse my basically lousy translations. I´m inclined to just put "effing awesome" or "big-ass" in front of everything but that sounds retarded):

gol= goal, golazo = effing amazing goal
favor = favor, favorcito = a tiny favor, favorsote = a huge favor
negocio = deal, negociazo = a hell of a deal/business
panza = gut/belly, pancita = little belly, panzón = beer belly
guapo = cute/good-looking, guapito = pretty cute, guapetón = hot/studly
mujer = woman, mujerona = broad
pachanga = party, pachangota = rocking huge party

Is that not way more fun than shrinking things down? ¡Es divertidisísimooooooo!

Say "Parangacutirimicuaro" 3 times fast!!!....and more tongue twister mania

Everybody loves a tongue twister, am I right? There are lots of place names that are ridiculously hard to pronounce here in Mexico.
As far as I can tell, the entire Nahuatl language (language of the Aztecs, still spoken by about 1.5 million people) is a tongue twister. Popocatépetl? Iztaccíhuatl? Atzcapotzalco? And everyone´s favorite: Parangacutirimicuaro, which is actually a Purépecha municipio in Michoacan apparently, so we won't blame the Aztec conquistadores for that one.
Here´s some more "trabalenguas," courtesy of my friend, Ana and http://www.uebersetzung.at/twister/es.htm:

Tres tristes tigres tragaban trigo en un trigal.

"R" con "R" cigarro
"R" con "R" barril
Rápido corren los carros que lleva el ferrocarril.
*No cheating! You have to roll the double "R"!

Otorrinolaringólogo trabaja en la otorrinolaringología.

La pícara pájara pica la típica jícara; a la típica jícara, pica la pícara pájara.

Los hombres con hambre hombre, abren sus hombros hombrunos sin dejar de ser hombres con hambre hombre hombruno. Si tú eres un hombre con hambre hombre hombruno, pues dí que eres un hombre com hambre y no cualquier hombre hombruno sino un hombre con hombros muy hombre, hombre.

Cuando cuentes cuentos, cuenta cuantos cuentos cuentas, cuando cuentes cuentos.

Hay chicas chachareras que chacotean con chicos chazos. Y un chico mete al chillón de la chepa un chichón por chirrichote, y el chiste, y lo chocante, es que la chepa se le ha chafado con la hinchazón del chirlo.

Now, just to be fair, I´m going to have to challenge my Mexican friends to bust out these classic English tongue twisters, not that I can even stutter them out myself:

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.

Betty bought some butter,but the butter Betty bought was bitter,so Betty bought some better butter,and the better butter Betty boughtwas better than the bitter butter Betty bought before!

True Confessions: I like the subjunctive

You´re learning Spanish. You make it through the present, past and future tenses; you can even say stuff like "I have walked" or "I am walking." You´ve overcome the natural Anglo inability to accept that nouns have a gender in Spanish, you may even understand the difference between the three "Excuse me"´s, "Con permiso," "Disculpa," and "Pérdoname."
Then one day you walk into class, feeling on top of the world, and your Spanish teacher with an evil gleam in the eye and a wigged-out smile says, "Okay class, today we´ll be learning about the subjunctive." To which everyone replies, "The what?" Which is understandable because: a) Teaching grammar was out of educational fashion when we went through school, b) In English, we practically never use the subjunctive and pretty much only unconsciously.
As my Spanish teacher explained it, "The subjunctive is a state of mind." You can put that in your pipe and smoke it, but the subjunctive is still going to kick your ass. I´m going to sum up about an entire painful month of classes on The Subjunctive as best I can.
The short story: We use the subjunctive in Spanish to talk about things that we aren´t entirely sure are going to happen or things that are contrary to fact. For instance, if I say: "I want you to clean the plates," I would say, "Quiero que laves los platos." Not lavas, but "laves" because, well, I want you to do it, but that doesn´t necessarily mean you will now does it?
Here's an example of where we use the subjunctive in English: "If I were you, I´d give that boy a beat-down." Did you notice how we don´t say, "If I was you, I´d give that boy a beat-down"? Well, actually a lot of people do, but it sounds kind of country-bumpkin. That´s the subjunctive my friend. Another example: "Were I to go to South Dakota, I would definitely go to Mount Rushmore." And that´s pretty much as far as we Angloparlantes go into the twisted reality of the subjunctive; However Hispanohablantes basically live there.
It´s a whole other reality, littered with uncertainty and hopes and dreams that may not come true.

"Espero que mi novio deje de ponerme las cuernas."
I hope my boyfriend stops cheating on me.
"Algún día, espero que mis hijos tengan una vida mejor que la mía."
I hope my children have a better life than I did.
"Quiero que mi abuela gane la lotería."
I want my grandma to win the lottery.
"Papá, quiero que me des un caballo."
Daddy, I want you to give me a pony.

Initially, I hated the subjunctive like any good American. It seemed so unnecessary. Why so much uncertainty? Why so many irregular verbs? Why does my Spanish teacher seem to be enjoying this so much?
We speak pretty forcefully in English. If you say, "If we win the game..." there´s probably a 50% chance someone´s going to say, "Ah, ah, ah - When we win the game... You´ve got to think positively." That´s all well and good, but life´s not necessarily going to go my way just because I´ve changed my diction.
After about a year living in Spanish, I´ve come to embrace the subjunctive state of being and the light uncertainty that crinkles the edges in a país tropical. It´s not a lack of volition - it´s acknowledging what´s out of my control. Maybe in his next reincarnation, the Dalai Lama will be a Spanish-speaker.

Tooth fairy? How about the Tooth Rat?

My nephew is 6 years old and as you might imagine, that means he usually has a tooth on the verge of falling out. In the traditional way, when one of his tiny teeth finally falls out, he puts it under his pillow and goes to bed just twitching with excitement. However, he´s not counting on a fairy to flit into the room and replace his tooth with 20 pesos, but the Mexican version of the tooth fairy - Ratoncito Perez, or simply "El Ratoncito." With a little in-depth research (wikipedia), I find that only us English-speakers are expecting the Tooth Fairy - in pretty much all the Spanish-speaking world and Italy and France, the little tooth thief is a rat. Initially, it kind of gave me the heeby jeebies to imagine a little rat skulking around in my nephew´s bed, but I guess it actually makes more sense than a fairy.
One question my nephew raised that I can´t answer however is: "What does el Ratoncito want all those teeth for?" I guess that´s why we don´t question tradition.

Lost in translation?

Sometimes I get confused talking about movies with my Mexican friends. And sometimes I crack up cruising Blockbuster or scrolling through the cable movie channels. Translation is more an art than a science and in the case of movie titles, the Mexican names sometimes have little to do with their English counterparts - the general rule of thumb is to forgo the subtle for the obvious. Have a crack at these movie and TV program names (answers below, no peeking):

El Secreto en la Montaña
Mujercitas
Los Cazanovias
Magnolias de Acero
Novia por Contrato
Enchulame la Máquina
Loco por Mary
Este Cuerpo no es Mío
Amor Ciego
Una Pareja Explosiva
Ligeramente Embarazada
Quedate a mi Lado
Tomates Verdes Fritos
Inocencia Interrumpida
Tómalo con Calma
La Dura Realidad
Un Equipo muy Especial
Tu Primera Vez
Tu Segunda Vez
Los Cazafantasmas
Thelma & Louise: Un final Inesperado - This one's pretty obvious. But honestly? An unexpected ending - could they give it away any more?

El Secreto en la Montaña - Brokeback Mountain...gosh what could be this secret??!!!
Mujercitas - Little Women

Los Cazanovias - The Wedding Crashers
Magnolias de Acero - Steel Magnolias
Novia por Contrato - Failure to Launch
Enchulame la Máquina - Pimp my Ride
Loco por Mary - There´s Something about Mary
Este Cuerpo no es Mío - The Hot Chick (AWFUL movie with Rob Schneider)
Amor Ciego - Shallow Hal
Una Pareja Explosiva - Rush Hour 3 (I guess Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are accurately described as an explosive pair)
Ligeramente Embarazada - Knocked Up
Quedate a mi Lado - Step Mom
Tomates Verdes Fritos - Fried Green Tomatoes
Inocencia Interrumpida - Girl Interrupted
Tómalo con Calma - Be Cool
La Dura Realidad - Reality Bites
Un Equipo muy Especial - A League of their Own (You thought it was the Ladybugs didn´t you? Or maybe Little Giants? The Mighty Ducks? All very special teams.)
Tu Primera Vez - American Pie
Tu Segunda Vez - American Pie 2
Los Cazafantasmas - Ghostbusters
Hey, ¿Dónde está mi auto? - Dude, where's my car?

Watch out Americans - the Mexican "spicy beer drink" is coming!

Vendors of specialty "ethnic foods" have already pushed us Americans pretty far. I mean, we're scarfing down pad thai and falafel like there's no tomorrow, deliberating between tikka masala and spring rolls, and, of course, squirting limes in our beers (heresy!). But they just can't stop. The latest thing to hit a supermarket shelf near you - michelada mix.

Mexican brewers offer variation on regular beer
Companies hope to make inroads in U.S. market with spicy ‘michelada'


In it's simplest form, a michelada is a ton of lime juice with beer, served ice cold with a salted rim. However, it's even better if you also throw in chile, worchestershire sauce, maybe some hot sauce and even some soy sauce or tomato juice (see former blog entry: Q: Why is Mexican beer so crappy? A: Just add chile").

Americans are lazy, so ready-to-go "Michelada Mix" could be genius - if you can get Americans to drink chile in their beer which I think is the rub of the whole enterprise. I've got some marketing ideas:

1. Employ the edecanes from the Automotive Show. I think they could probably sell men just about anything. For the women, your options are pretty much Antonio Banderas or Enrique Iglesias.


2. Target frat boys. They´re all about novelty (watermelons laced with vodka, jello shots, beer popsicles). A girl commenting, "Eeeeewwww...you drink chile in your BEER?!!!" is a great conversation starter almost guaranteed to lead to a hook-up ("I guess it IS kind of manly to put hot sauce in your beer. How can you handle it, it's so SPICY....").

3. Do not refer to a michelada as "Beer lemonade" or worse, "beer limeade."

4. I suggest marketing materials employ the word, "Caliente." Americans think it means spicy, and, as we noted with the "Yo quiero Taco Bell" campaign, we learn more Spanish from commercials than high school language class. I can already imagine millions of Americans sidling up to the bar and saying, "A Corona, please. Make mine caliente." "Baby, you are as caliente as a michelada." I'm sure for a modest sum, you could get Paris Hilton to change her tagline to "That's caliente." C'mon - it would be hilarious!

Ugliest dog ever?

I've been to the zoo in Chapultepec Park with my nephew a couple of times. It's free, it's got lions and tigers and elephants and camels and penguins, not to mention they just had an exhibit of deadly poisonous snakes and frogs - I mean, what's not to like? The Mexican zoo also has a selection of animals native to this country, including my favorite - XOLOITZCUINTLE - THE ANCIENT AZTEC HAIRLESS DOG!!!! AKA ONE OF THE, IF NOT THE MOST, UGLY DOG ON THE PLANET EARTH!!! As you might notice from the picture, the Xoloitzcuintle´s most notable characteristic is that it's hairless. And like other extraordinarily ugly animals or people, it provokes a kind of response like "It hurts to look...but yet I can't. tear. my. eyes. away!!"
Here's some fun facts courtesy of The Washington Post:
- Near extinction in the 1940s, there are now about 5,000 "Xolos" out there.
- They can sell for up to $2,500.
- Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo had one.
- "They were considered sacred by the Aztecs, who sometimes ate their meat as a cure-all for illness or buried the dogs with their owners to help guide the human spirit to the afterlife."
- And the up side of ugly? Xolos are popular with asthmatics who can´t do fur.

The Metro Station History of Mexico

Forget the big fat textbooks. You can get the down-low on Mexican history simply by cruising the metro.
As you might imagine, dictators, full-blooded Spaniards and traitors are not overwhelmingly honored – there is no Metro Porfirio Díaz, nor Metro Cortés nor Metro Malinche (the famous Indian woman who was Cortés´s translator and lover and is generally considered the ultimate traitor of all time). More of the historically-oriented stops honor the heroes of the Mexican Revolution, although the topsy-turvyness of that time ensures that you’ve got in some cases both the former Mexican presidents and the leaders who overthrew them. Here’s a run-down of some major stops winding generally from pre-conquest to post-revolution.

Nezalhualcóyotl
The “poet-king,” Nezahualcoyotl ruled the city-state of Texcoco, creating the “Athens” of the New World, his court full of philosophers, artists, musicians and sculptors. There’s some doubt whether he actually wrote all the poems attributed to him. One of them appears in tiny print on the face of the 100 peso note:
Amo el canto de zenzontle
Pájaro de cuatrocientas voces,
Amo el color del jade
Y el enervante perfume de las flores,
Pero más amo a mi hermano: el hombre.
I love the song of the mockingbird,
Bird of four hundred voices,
I love the color of the jadestone
And the enervating perfume of flowers,
But more than all I love my brother: man.

Moctezuma

Moctezuma II Xocoyotzin was the second-to-last Aztec emperor and the unfortunate one who welcomed Hernán Cortés into his sumptuous palace in Tenochtitlán where he and his men stayed for several months. It’s not entirely clear what went down, but Cortés screwed over Moctezuma, who ended up a prisoner in his own home and died not all that long after.

Cuitláhuac
Cultlahuanctzin (whose name was later changed into Spanish language as "Cuitláhuac" which is SO much easier to say) was the tenth Aztec emperor and the one who defeated Hernán Cortés in the Battle of La Noche Triste ("Sad Night") in 1519. Cortés and his native allies tried to escape from the castle in Tenochtitlán (now Mexico City) and basically got slaughtered.

Cuauhtémoc
Besides a metro station, the Aztec Emperor Cuauhtémoc, whose name means "descending eagle" in Nahuatl, also has a statue just down Reforma from Colombus. He took power in 1520 as successor of Cuitláhuac, not the happiest time to be an Aztec ruler. As Wikipedia has it: “He ascended to the throne when he was 18 years of age, as his city was being besieged by the Spanish and devastated by an epidemic of smallpox. Probably after the killings in the main temple, there were few Aztec captains available to take the position.” Cuauhtémoc is still a somewhat popular name for baby boys.

Isabel la Católica
Queen Isabel of Castile helped Columbus finance his journeys to the Americas in between politically unifying Spain with her husband Fernando II of Aragón and spearheading the Inquisition which expelled the Jews from Spain.

La Raza
Literally “the race,” the term comes from the book La Raza Cósmica, by José Vasconcelos in which he proposed that eventually all of the people within the Spanish Empire would completely mixed into a new race that had the best attributes of all the cultures. Here, Columbus Day on Oct. 12 is called "Día de la Raza."

Juarez
Benito Juárez (1806-1872), a Zapotec, was Mexico´s first and only Indian president. He served an impressive 5 terms (considering many successors only lasted months and years), overseeing such major programs as the expropriation of church lands, bringing the army under civilian control, liquidation of peasant communal land holdings, and adoption of a constitution.

Zaragoza
General Ignacio Zaragoza was a hero of the Battle of Puebla – that´s right, the very one we’re supposedly celebrating every Cinco de Mayo. On May 5, 1862, the Mexican army kicked butt against the way better-equipped and experienced French army which took advantage of America´s distracting Civil War to invade Mexico and set up a short-lived monarchy.

Insurgentes
The station logo depicts the church bell of Dolores Hidalgo, a symbol of the Mexican War of Independence (1810) against Spain and the eleven-year-long insurgency that followed. (Metros Allende and Hidalgo are named for notable insurgentes).




Zapata
Emiliano Zapata raised a peasant army in Morelos in southern Mexico, supporting Madero in the overthrow of Porfirio Díaz. However Madero didn´t address his and his followers’ demands for “Tierra and Libertad,” so the fight continued until Zapata was killed in 1919.

Barranca de los Muertos (Gully of the Dead)
A barranca is like a ravine. During the Mexican Revolution (1910 – 1921) this was a place where revolutionary soldiers dropped many corpses. Just delightful. The Mexican revolution lasted from 1910-1917 and killed as many as 1 million of the population of 15 million. The war overthrew Porfirio Díaz, who ruled from 1876 to 1911 (minus 4 years when he put a hand-picked successor in charge). After he was overthrown, Francisco Madero took over, but was soon overthrown, as were 8 others between 1913 and 1920.

Niños Héroes
The Mexican-American War from 1846 to 1848 was the one that ended up in the cession of the Mexican territories that are now California, Arizona and New Mexico. The “Boy heroes” were six teenage military cadets who died defending Mexico at Chapultepec Castle in the heart of Mexico City from invading U.S. forces in Battle of Chapultepec on Sept. 13, 1847.
Scenario 1: They were ordered to fall back, but they instead fought to the death, the last survivor wrapping himself in the Mexican flag and leaping from the castle to prevent it from being taken by the enemy.
Scenario 2: Five commited suicide by stabbing himself and the sixth jumped off the wall, all saying they would rather kill themselves than be killed by the Americans.

Either way, the Niños Héroes are right up there as far as martyrs go.

Toque-me: A decidedly sketchy way to get your kicks

A friend of a friend recently came to town for a visit - Ronny, the guy on the left above - and we headed over to Plaza Garibaldi to pack as much chilango fun as we could into his few days here. Plaza Garibaldi is basically mariachi central - they´re all over the place in their fancy pants serenading people - a small Plaza packed with nightclubs that attracts a crowd ranging from children to old people and whose entertainment includes passionate singing, cock fights and elaborate skirt- and lasso-twirling, in short, a very strange and rather Mexican scene.
While waiting for Ronny downstairs in the bar in his hostel near the Zocalo, I struck up a conversation with the Mexican kids sitting next to me who were from north of the city and we ended up dragging them along to what they assured us was a place we were sure to get robbed. The taxi driver agreed with them but said we´d be fine as long as we didn´t pass the yellow building.
Two pitchers of pulque later (guava and strawberry flavored), our new friends decided it was time for a toque. Which sounds sketchy if you translate it as a "touch," but in this case it translates to a "hit" - of electricity. Two people grab the two metal pieces and everyone holds hands, then the guy with the wooden suitcase gleefully cranks up the electricity, which feels like extremely intense vibration and immediately gave me flashbacks of Mr.Knight´s 9th grade science class ("I´m going to need a volunteer with LONG BLOND HAIR for this next experiment." Anyone remember this?) Anyway, the verdict? Toques sketch me out and I probably wouldn´t personally do it again, but I think I will make all friends who visit me take a hit.

The Mexican B-day song does not go "Feliz cumpleaños a tí"

There have been a lot of birthdays this month and after having sung it perhaps 15 times, I think I´ll master the Mexican birthday song by the time my birthday rolls around. I swear I´m not pathetic - it´s ridiculously hard - for a second-language learner anyway. Here goes:

Estas son las mañanitas
Que cantaba el rey David
A las muchachas bonitas
Y te las cantamos aquí

Despierta mi bien despierta
Mira que ya amaneció
Ya los pajarillos cantan
La luna ya se metió

This is the morning song
That King David sang
To the beautiful girls
And we sing here today

Wake up, my dear, wake up,
Look it is already dawn
The birds are already singing
And the moon has set.

Since I´m sure you´ll want to sing this song at home - I´ve selected my favorite Youtube clip with the tune. This clip beat the other several thousand because:
- It is the cheesiest.
- It has mariachis.
- It has pictures of dawn, people kissing, flowers and both the U.S. and Mexican flags, in other words, everything you´d ever want in your birthday Youtube clip.



Here´s another handy song to know - the Piñata song!

Dale, dale, dale.
No pierdas el tino.
Porque si lo pierdes.
Pierdes el camino.

Ya le diste una.
Ya le diste dos.
Ya le diste tres.
Y tu tiempo se acabó.

(Hit it, hit it, hit it. Don’t loose your aim. Because if you lose it, you lose the way.You hit it once. You hit it twice. You hit it three times. And your time is up.)

This video basically sucks, but I couldn´t find one better either because the kid had whacked the piñata down within the first few "Dales" or everyone seemed drunk.

Gringos beware! Do not try this at home

Thanks to everyone for the great e-mails after I sent out my mega-update - good to hear from you. I'd especially like to thank Juan and Polo who can add to their respective business cards "Master of Chilango Colloquialisms and Coach in the Fine Art of Speaking Mexican Spanish." Both can contribute guest entries to my blog anytime.

In the spirit of sharing, here's the link to the "Dirty Word of the Month" podcast I recorded as part of my last job as an editor at Smart English Magazine.

¡Qué lo disfrutes!
Dirty Word of the Month

Following Juan´s sage advice, I´m adding a star system to the rapidly growing list of "Vocabulario Esencial" to prevent well-intentioned Spanish-language learners from ending up with their foot in their mouth (meter la pata). See below for some more tips to avoid saying something obscene.

But first - this excellent expanded definition of "a huevo" from Polo:

---
A Huevo’s main meaning is more related to saying Yes and in certain variations it is a reaffirmation of your actions…

In some cases A huevo is used in a cool way, to express coolness…
Like the “shagadelic baby yeah” Mexican version of it…. A huevooo...

Examples

Q: Vas a ir a la fiesta?
Are you going to the party?
A: A huevo!

Q: A poco no esta padre ese coche?
Isn´t this car awesome?
A: A huevo!

Q: No puedo creer que te ligaste a esa vieja!
I can't believe you hooked up with her.
A: A huevo!

Q: No se como pudiste escaparte sin que tus papas te regañaran.
I don't know how you got away without getting caught by your parents.
A: A huevo!
---

I'm trying to think what the English translation would be and I'm thinking something like "Hell yeah," "F--- yeah" or "Don´t you know it!" or maybe like "Boo-yeah," although let's not start saying that again and indeed forget we ever once said such a thing.

So I've given you guys some fun vocabulary to play with, but here's some that you´d best not touch with a 10-foot pole. In other words, don't try to use these phrases without the help of a trusted and patient Mexican friend with a good sense of humor.

Words that are way too easy to mess up:

caliente:
I finally just had to cut my parents off. It´s just too easy to go horribly wrong.
If your food is spicy - "Está picante."
If the weather is hot - "Hace calor."
If you are hot (and not in the Paris Hilton way) - "Tengo calor."
If you say "Estoy caliente," it means you´re horny.

Embarrassed
I´m embarassed = Tengo vergüenza
Estoy embarazado/a = I´m pregnant (and probably even more embarassed)

Año
One of the first things we all learn in Spanish is How old are you?/¿Cuántos años tienes?
Easy - I thought. Until an English friend asked a teenager we knew, ¿Cuántos anos tienes?/How many anuses do you have? To which she replied, "Just one, but it works very well."

Papaya
Not a problem in Mexico. However, in Habana, Cuba, and only in Habana as far as I can tell, papaya is slang for a woman´s vagina. The beloved tropical fruit is referred to as "fruta bomba."

Huevos
In one sense, they´re just eggs. In the other, they´re balls. Do you really want to talk about huevos that much? Just don't, okay?
I would like to insert a joke here, courtesy of my friend, Ana.
¿Por qué la gallina ama tanto a sus pollitos?
Why does the mother hen love her chicklets so much?
Por que le cuesta un huevo cada uno.
Because each one costs her a huevo.

Practically anything you try to say
Due to the good old doble sentido (double meaning), I think just about anything could be construed as a reference to sex. For instance, apparently planchar/to iron is slang for sex here in DF.
I once tried to say something about putting spicy chile in my beer and ended up saying something about penises. The moral of the story was the barman offered me the biggest cup of beer I've ever seen in my life and said it was on the house if I drank it all. I decided to use the only word in Spanish I'm aware of that has only one meaning, "No."

Bad words you shouldn´t say in front of your suegra (mother-in-law)unless she's as cool as those old ladies from the Golden Girls or Phyllis Diller, and maybe you shouldn´t say at all if you´re a girl:
(*Note: These aren´t the best translations. But this is a guide advising you what NOT to say so...)

Chingar - f---
Vete a la verga - Go to hell (literally Go to the penis)
Pinche - 'effin, damn
Güey - dude
Cabrón/a - asshole/bitch
Pendejo - stupid asshole
No mames - Shut up, No way! Literally, stop sucking the tit or something like that. No manches would be the innocuous expression to use.
Anything with madre, ie:
Estoy hasta la madre- I´ve had it
Es todo un desmadre - It´s an effin mess.
Chinga tu madre - Go fuck your mother.

Geez, this could go on forever...
Well, if anyone has some hilarious stories about making egregrious errors while attempting to speak Spanish, send them along.

Pobres futbolistas chaparritos

*Can't get this to upload straight, but you all can turn your heads, right?

***NEWS FLASH***

Mexicans are short!

That is not in and of itself a major problem for anyone besides tall people visiting Mexico who are well-advised to watch their heads. However it has hit a new level of concern according to this news article anyway, because it is preventing Mexico from dominating on the football field. To quote:

"The Mexican national soccer team is 'a team of short stature' which is why they need to look for taller, heavier and stronger players in order to truly compete, according to the technical director to the club owners."

Apparently, the average height for the Mexican team is a mere 1.75 centimeters (5'9"), ranking even behind Japan, compared to Germany's impressive 1.85 centimeters (6'1"). This is indeed grave. I was too busy giggling to actually reach the conclusion of the article, but in terms of resolving this problem, I'm sure prayers won't hurt.

Want a job? How much do you weigh and do you live with your mom?

I like things that aren't entertaining on purpose - for instance my ballot for the recall of California governor Gray Davis which included exotic dancers and a sumo wrestler among the candidates.
A couple months ago, my friend Marco was taking job applications and showed me a few. I think I would put the standard Mexican job application form right up there among the most personally invasive documents ever created. You can pick one up for 10 cents at any stationery store and it pretty much covers all elements of your life, many of which I'm pretty sure would be illegal to request of job candidates in the States. That's not to say that everyone fills out every section nor that this application is used by all candidates everywhere. However, it exists. Among the not-quite-so-common line items:


Personal details

Recent photo
Height
Weight
You live with: O parents O family O relatives O alone
People that depend on you: # of children, a spouse, parents, other
Civil state: O Married O Single O Other, explain

Health and Personal Habits

What do you consider your current state of health?
Do you suffer from any chronic disease?
What sports do you play?
Do you belong to a team or sports club?
What's your favorite pastime?
What is the goal of your life?

Family

Names of parents and spouse, whether alive, home address and job
Names and ages of your children

General information

Do you have life insurance?
Have you been affiliated with any union?

Economic information

Do you have any other income? How much?
Does your spouse work? Monthly income _________
Do you own your home or pay rent? Value of house or monthly rent _______
Do you have your own car? Brand and model ___________
Do you have debt? How much?
How much are your monthly expenses?

The ultimate guide to Mexican meat

You think you speak Spanish? I bet you can’t even read a Mexican menu. I certainly couldn’t when I got here and I swear someone’s inventing new kinds of meat here everyday just to confuse me.

In school, learning the words for different meats was a 10-minute mini-lesson that looked something like this:

Red meat – carne
Beef – res
Chicken – pollo
Pork – puerco
Fish – pescado

Mexicans have a considerably broader view of the realm of meat, as reflected in their use of a bajillion different words, much as the Eskimos have a bajillion different words for snow.
You might pick up a Mexican menu with only two menu items – let’s say tacos and tortas (a badass Mexican sandwich) – that runs to two or three pages because there are so many different meats or combinations of meats listed.

The quick and dirty guide:

Pig

Al pastor – a succulent hunk of pork with a delicious sauce that is roasted on a continually turning spit for hours. You’ll see guys adeptly lopping off bits of the meat and the pineapple on top with a machete-like knife, the meat flying through the air, landing perfectly on the tortilla in his hand. Impressive.
Jamon - ham
Tocino- bacon
Cueritos – strips of gelatinous pork fat. This one is not growing on me, even when draped over a bed of cabbage sprinkled with lime and hot sauce on top of a big chicarron.
Chicharrones – pork rinds. So bad, but yet so good.
Milanesa – a piece of pork pounded to less than a centimeter thick, breaded and fried
Maciza – pure, solid leg meat
Chuleta – pork chop
Carnitas – various body parts, thankfully chopped into little bits
Trompa - snout
Cachete – cheek

Cow

Arrachera – outrageously tender beef
Bistec – straight up beef, thin sliced steak
Carne asada – grilled steak, usually marinated in lime or orange juice
cecina - beef, thin sliced, salted, dried in the sun
Costillas - ribs
Tripa – pork intestines. Yes I tried them, no I was not a fan.
Lengua – tongue.
Suadero – thin strips of breast bone meat
Sesos - brains
Machaca – powdered meat. Sounds nasty, but it’s delicious with eggs. Think more like crumbled beef jerky.

Poultry

Pollo - chicken
Pierna - thigh
Pechuga – chicken breast
Pavo – turkey
Pato – duck

Sausage of indeterminate animal origin

Salchicha – sausage, more like a hot dog
Chorizo – Mexican sausage, crumbly and tasty, also comes in a bright green form which honestly freaks me out.
Loganiza – chorizo, but different, apparently. Even my Mexican friends were a little hard-pressed to pin down the difference, so we grabbed a waiter whose theory was one has more fat, if that is actually possible.

Other

Borrego – ram
Cabra/cabritos – goat
Conejo - rabbit
Médula – marrow
Cochinita de pibil – a Yucatecan specialty of shredded pork with some delectable chile sauce
Adobado – cooked in a chile sauce
Con mole – with a more complex sauce, either made of chiles, chocolate and peanuts, or a green mole with green chiles and garlic and who knows what else
Guisado – a general word for a meat cooked in sauce
A la parilla/asada – grilled
Alambre – a heap of bits of meat, bacon, veggie and cheese

Okay, ya basta. This could go on forever, apparently. I'm starting to feel like Aristotle when he decided to classify the entire plant and animal kingdoms.

And coming as soon as I figure it all out - the ultimate Mexican guide to seafood! Including how to order sushi in Mexico (queso filadelfia, chipotle and salsa tampico anyone?)

Want more? This woman seems quite dedicated to the study of tacos.

http://www.mexconnect.com/mex_/recipes/puebla/kgtacos2.html

FAQs - Yes the air is bad and there are a hell of a lot of people here

I returned home for a visit earlier this month and, without fail, upon telling people that I have recently moved to Mexico City, they asked:

1) How bad is the air?
2) How many people live there?

It doesn't bug me at all that these are inevitably the first questions out of everyone's mouth, because up until recently, I couldn't have come up with a heck of a lot more.

But I felt bad that I didn't have excellent, rock solid answers for these two questions. True, a bit part of the reason for this is that I simply didn't want to know. But that day of reckoning has come. We must face the truth.

Starting with the population because it doesn't directly affect my future lifespan.

The most recent estimates of Mexico City's population put it at 17.4 million for the Distrito Federal proper (which is kind of like Washington, D.C.). However, if you were just driving out of the Federal District, you wouldn't know you'd left it when you hit the border because many former towns of the surrounding State of Mexico have been gobbled up. The estimate for the metropolitan area is more like a mere 22.65 million, as of 2005, making it the second most populous metropolitan area in the world. Go Mexico! I'd say, "Tokyo, you are so going down," but they are seriously kicking ass.

1. Tokyo, Japan - 34,100,000
2. Mexico City, Mexico - 22,650,000
3. Seoul, South Korea - 22,250,000
4. New York, United States - 21,850,000
5. Sao Paulo, Brazil - 20,200,000
6. Mumbai, India - 19,700,000
7. Dehli, India - 19,500,000
8. Los Angeles, United States - 17,950,000
(source about.com)

By more strenuous standards taking note of actual boundaries, Mexico City gets knocked down to 5th place, but seriously, I really doubt anyone's counting past 15 million.

1. Tokyo-Yokohama, Japan - 33,200,000
2. New York, United States - 17,800,000
3. Sao Paulo, Brazil - 17,700,000
4. Seoul-Incheon, South Korea - 17,500,000
5. Mexico City, Mexico - 17,400,000
6. Osaka-Kobe-Kyoto, Japan - 16,425,000
7. Manila, Philippines - 14,750,000
(source about.com)

Since lists are so much fun, we'll start there. However measuring pollution isn't really all that easy so take this worth a gram of particulate matter...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/5072642.stm#pollution

The BBC posted info from 2002 measuring pollution by amount of particle matter, by which the top contenders were:

1. Delhi
2. Cairo
3. Calcutta
4. Tianjin, China

Mexico City was all the way behind at 41st.

The Blacksmith Institute did another study in 2006, looking at the health danger of these pollutants and came up with this list:

The 10 worst-polluted places in the world are (in alphabetical order):
Chernobyl (Ukraine) | Dzerzinsk (Russia) | Haina (Dominican Republic) | Kabwe (Zambia) | La Oroya (Peru) | Linfen (China) | Mailuu-Suu (Kyrgyzstan) | Norilsk (Russia) | Ranipet (India) | Rudnaya Pristan (Russia)

Most have serious heavy metal or nuclear pollution which is making a lot of people sick.

So what's the deal with Mexico City?

Pollution isn't just about what factories and cars are spitting out. There are some unnegotiable geographic factors at play here:

- Mexico City is an average of 2,240 m (7,349 ft) above sea level
- It is located in a valley surrounded by mountains on all four sides with only one tiny opening at the north.
- "The region receives anti-cyclonic systems, whose weak winds that do not allow for the dispersion outside the basin of the air pollutants which are produced by the 50,000 industries and 4 million vehicles operated in the metropolitan area"
(source: wikipedia.com)

I haven't found the ultimate source that explains just where everything stands right now. To pull an Oprah - "What I know for sure" -

- It looks smoggy a lot and sometimes my lungs hurt.
- Traffic is something else and 1.5 hours is about the average commute within the city regardless of distance.
- The situation is bad enough that the government has imposed policies like certain cars can only drive certain days of the week and a month ago, the air hit such a point that they were stopping cars at the entrance to the city and not letting anyone in without Distrito Federal plates.

This was the article I found most interesting about combatting pollution, so I'll just end it there for the moment. And don't let the air deter you guys from visiting me.


http://www.ipsnews.net/news.asp?idnews=39090

"If these measures are not fully implemented, the chaos in the city could reach crisis level and we will all be sorry," Oscar Terrazas, professor of urban planning at the Autonomous Metropolitan University (UAM), told IPS. "What lies ahead is true chaos."

Enlightened prophet or alarmist? We'll see in 10 years.

Let's learn about brands!

Isn't mini-Walmart the cutest learning experience ever?! I was kind of partial to the Pfizer lab though.


This past weekend, I took a trip with my nephews to Papalote (Kite), the children's museum in Chapultepec Park. In many ways, it was everything I would expect from a children's museum - there was an Imax theater, there were games, there were helpers in orange vests reading "Cuate" (Friend), and it was about 95% educational pandemonium. There was one way it differed from the other children's museums I've visited however - all the major exhibits were branded. The science lab was Pfizer Laboratory. The mini grocery store was Walmart. The make-your-own newspaper was Reforma. And I came out with vaguely positive feelings toward Nestle, though I don't remember what their name was tied to.
The advertising industry sometimes gets a bad rap as a bunch of unabashed money-grubbers who use psychology to manipulate people and make them buy things they don't need. Usually I prefer to put the onus on the general public to be a little more critical - you don't have to buy what they sell after all. However, there was something vaguely malevolent about the rampant branding of the non-profit children's museum.
It didn't surprise me though. However many "branded messages" I get a day in the U.S., it's got to be double here. Every possible space is sold for advertising - I pass 20 street-level billboards on the way to work alone - and illegal billboards clutter every sky line.
As we walked out of the museum, we passed a bright red Coca Cola soda fountain with interactive screens, set up as an educational station, and my 5-year-old nephew took a veer right into it. "I'm thirsty," he pronounced.